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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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1:30 pm - Place Search
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I feel nervous about this. In limbo, still deciding whether to break away from my ridiculous slip-ups.
I am aware that I am smaller than everything. I do not know the truth, and I never will. This is not scary, it's magical.
Today Ariel and I went on a place hunt. We filled out our applications and trekked through a lobby. Carried skyward by robotic pulleys, peeking into the heart of a business man's world, and exploring windowless corridors, we were lead (unsurprisingly) to a small, personable office with a nice little man waiting for our arrival.
In our brief conversation, he said, "when you get the place, bring in your payment stubs," instead of, "if you get the place, bring in your payment stubs." Is this ambiguous wording giving us false hope, knowledge of the likelihood of our acceptance as applicants, or what?
Afterwards, Ariel and I had some delicious home-made nourishment. She talked to me about Astrology and archetypes. I didn't have much imput, I've never learned about that before.
On the way back from applying, Boy texted me. Still glowing.
Today I take care of things to make life a little easier.
current mood:  chipper
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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4:50 pm - Ceramics.
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I'm about to go to ceramics. Steve Dilley makes Star Trek references, and his pony tail wiggles.
current mood:  blah
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| Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
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7:04 pm - I've been exhibiting a smörgåsbord of odd behaviour.
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To be read like one side of a conversation:
[[Let me tell you what I think. I'm not interested in what you think, though I do have questions. Here is a question, along with a disapproving glare. This glare assures full disclosure. (Response). What? That's very cute, but evidence A, plus evidence B, plus evidence C, means, no, you didn't have it spot on, sorry! Not spot on means wrong, fail again next time! "Disagreement"? More like self-deception. The truth is here when you're ready.]]
You fucking prick.
I'm not wasting MY time anymore. I know what is important.
The words "always, " "never," "all" and "none" deserve questioning.
The words "really" and "very" as describing magnitude are unnecessary. Descriptive words, in general, are less important than storyline.
Popping bubbles feels like heaven.
Descriptions ("I took Differentials when I was 18" or "I really like asparagus") never can or will adequately describe what a person actually is.
I may never know the full spectrum of it in my lifetime, even if I do it will be with hindsight, but some things went wrong inside me at some point. I'm sure they seemed ridiculously difficult to surpass at the time, but now they seem ridiculous. I love you too much not to want you. I miss Ben, and I'm tired of missing you, too. That's too many of my hearts broken.
Whittling away is for losers. Life is 100 percent in style.
current mood: determined
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| Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
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3:55 am - Life, etcetera.
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Holy crap I have so much to do. So much. But, as I find time and time again, making it public with livejournal helps. So here is what's on my plate, big world. It's spring break, which means intense life-recovery work: I fell behind in the heat of semester stresses, and now I've got work to do. So, here it goes, in the next six days I must:
--Go to all the Random Acts of Kindness to win Coachella tickets and bring friends.
--Win said Coachella tickets.
--Spend all my time with Lilla Peepermeister (That's my new duck! Picture below!).
--Build a duck coop for Lilla and Claypool.
--Do Gabriel's taxes.
--Work 10 hours. Finish scanning, clean the house, make photo discs, mail photo discs to family members, re-redecorate living room for Dad, possibly work outside.
--Make a page or two for Alvin's zine (I hope I can!).
--Clean my rooms. Thoroughly. Stack and pile shit for a garage sale.
--Get and decorate bike frame from Gabe.
--Take care of my fire ticket.
--Burning Man tickets? Negotiation.
--Homework: 6 pages Ethics, 1 Ceramics Teapot, 2 Gallery Reports.
--Clean out car.
--Finish all repair sewing jobs.
--Figure a workable future/work/school/life plan for the next few months. What I'm working towards, what I'd like to get done, what I have to do. Maybe if I have something like this, I can feel a little more at ease about myself.
--Call my mom and brother at least once.
--Get back onto a healthy eating/living plan... seriously...
 Actually, you know, this does not look to be as hard as I thought it would. Though, let me tell you, while living in Jamul has some great plus sides, it's really making things very difficult for me, and I feel I need to get out. Three cheers for hope in the near future :) P.S. Check out my website! Four new panitings up.
current mood:  cheerful
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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6:35 pm - Holy crap.
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| Monday, February 2nd, 2009
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11:58 pm - Busy.
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I'm just so busy. I want to do everything, and I cannot. Same old song. But things have been wonderful, and I've been doing a whole banana load of things, though I'm a tiddly burnt right now. I'm posting to get myself to do the following within the span of the next 24 hours:
--Clean out car.
--Scan 4-6 hours.
--Clean kitchen/living room/bathroom for Dad.
--Pay tuition fees/purchase parking sticker.
--Buy Spanish lab/workbooks.
--Get oil change/get gas money/use extra money to buy groceries (curry powder, sesame oil, sesame seeds, and lentils).
--Finish homework tonight.
--Clean bathroom/room.
--Figure out what else I need to do Tuesday/Wednesday.
--Figure out how to get some free time, and figure out what I need to do in that free time to make myself the happiest and effectively growingest human possible.
Tuesday: School all day, oil change between first and second class, ceramics/Spanish homework between second and third class.
Wednesday: DeVotchKa (Connie, Ross, Emily, and I all won 2 tickets (8 total), I'm taking Ariel!)
Thursday: Banana load of homework.
Friday: Car to shop. Hopefully finish things around the house that I've been needing to (compromising projects, planning the semester, planning funding to Coachella and other major events).
Saturday: Stacey Jones. We're going to hang out! I have not seen her in FOREVER.
Once again, this is not a question of sleep. Sleep is the reward. The sooner I take care of this absolutely necessary shit, the sooner I am rewarded with sleep. The sooner I will have time for personal growth and learning. Now, off I go! (I love this hustle-bustle life style :D).
current mood:  sleepy
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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12:39 am - For Rodger the Hodge Podger.
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| Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008
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3:03 am - Dancin' Bees
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| Friday, December 19th, 2008
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1:14 pm - Weird dreams in Hallie Land.
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Last night I had a weird dream.
I was frantically shopping a mega mart in the middle of an airport, during my layover in New York on my way to Europe with Erica, for the supplies I would normally feed to my giant rat-looking mouse back home that I'd forgotten to bring. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of having fucked something up and was trying to fix the situation. The fate of the world was in my hands. I found another creature, that looked like a miniature, blue, upright-standing cartoon tiger, and I decided that made for a better pet, so I held my blue baby tiger in my hand while I looked for the rest of the supplies.
I was additionally aware of two men traipsing through the store, chatting. While I scrambled around, part of my consciousness was devoted to their interaction, but I ignored it as insignificant. The one man was a terrible man who had put his wife into a coma, and the second man was a droopy, love-torn man unloading his relationship issues on the first, not realizing he was practically a cold, hard murderer. I found the interaction somewhat humorous. However, as I was proceeding to the seasonal section of the store, I found them inspecting fruit cake items, and I overheard part of their conversation.
The mean guy, who had pretty much killed his wife, had done so by means of a strange, non-existing condition that my dream had made up. He had killed her by yelling at her so much that she fell into a deep coma. Psychological damage becoming physical. The relationship guy knew this, though I thought he didn't, and said inside my head, "Relationship guy is so stupid. Mean guy knows nothing about love, he killed his wife." Immediately, relationship guy read my mind, turned around, and said, "Yes, he does. He didn't mean to do it, didn't know it would happen, and when it did happen, part of him detached. That part of him is now searching deep inside of her, in the part that is still awake. He knows what love is more than any of us and is paying for it. Of course I'm going to ask for his opinion, only I'm lucky if I get any response." Basically, he made me feel shit stupid and judgmental, in addition to making a case for the subconscious as the truth.
That is all.
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| Monday, December 8th, 2008
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2:06 am - Letter Two and Three
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Dear Rachel (and other 6218-ers),
I'm still working on 6218 Delights stuff. I am sorry I haven't been around. I've been busy with school, and also I have come to realize that drinking and group socializing make me lethargic and unhappy. They tend to stifle my brain and creativity and self. I don't want that. It's not good for me. However, I heart everybody at the house, and whenever there are art nights, philosophical discussion times, and maniac adventures, I would love to join in. And anything business related, let me know for certain. Check out my webpage, I just finished a cool new box for the store :D
Love, Hallie
Dear Michele,
In high school, I was on the Monte Vista cross country team, except when I broke my ACL. I was at my friend Ariel's house, looking through her pictures, and am wondering why on EARTH you are in the team picture for a meet I didn't go to. No, honestly, it's like. There's my brother, Ariel, the entire team, and then there's Michele. Weird!
Love, Hallie
P.S. Here it is.
P.P.S. Other weird things about this photo: the blood spattered at the bottom.
current mood:  hopeful
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1:29 am - Letter One.
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Dear World,
I feel inspired.
There have been two specific periods in my life where I actually tried at life and was happy. Both periods saw quick and dramatic results.
One was a three month period when I was 16. The other was a 6-8 month period when I was 20. Both of these were periods where I would consider myself an "adult," conscious of my actions and able to control them. That is to say, my childhood was very happy, but doesn't count because I was not fully mature.
It has taken a lot to get me into those swings, in the past, and usually it was an unwieldy passion that did it. You can't cause an unwieldy passion; it comes to you, sporadically, graciously, unexpectedly. It takes hold of you, and you succumb to it, swept along and enjoying the ride. When the water dries up, you wait for it to come again.
I don't like waiting. I really don't. I want that passion, always, no matter what, every minute of every day. It's the force of life itself, and it's the most important thing to people who are conscious and intelligent. We all know that a life lived fully is what we want.
So I work myself into epiphanies to get myself there, for just an hour, a day, a minute. Whatever. Fuck that. I'm going to start conceptualizing that passion. You can keep it inside of you if you remember what it feels like, right?
I'm going to let the shadow of the feeling in the past, the faded imprint of what it was, enter my brain, until it's no longer something in the past, but something in the present. Something that is going to last until I die at 31 in a magnificent accident of modern proportions.
Love, Hallie
current mood: passionate
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| Sunday, December 7th, 2008
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6:44 pm - Western Spaghetti
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| Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
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3:37 pm - Proposition 8.
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Fuck you, hick-town, prejudiced, fucking religious conformist, mother but not mother on mother fuckers. Fuck. You.
I am pissed and saddened.
current mood:  aggravated
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2008
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5:27 pm - Cause the times, they are a-changing.
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I've been an asshole lately. Treating people like they're disposable, moments like I'll have them forever, and myself like damaged goods.
I know it's not possible to change certain things. I can never go back in time and un-do. But I am capable of action.
I can't come to terms with certain things, I can't establish something meaningful, without first deciding what is important. Because everything seems quite important, indecision reigns. How do you decide who gets your time and who doesn't? That's categorizing people, and terrible. Not just people, but other things. Is art more important or music? Good times or accomplishments? Is there some sort of system to judge these questions? I only have so much time, and I need to decide the things I want to do with it. It's impossible to do everything. If I don't decide, I'll continue to do nothing. Deciding is hard, and easy to go back on, and so I always do. Go right back to indecision. New friends or old? Berkeley or SDSU or Monterey Bay? Thrifting or new car radio? Move in with Gia or Vanessa or stay with Pop? Date boy or be alone?
It seems like the only thing that guides my decisions is what is more convenient and what gives me more time to make the real decision.
The life I've created thus far has been largely ruled by something other than myself and what I desire. It's been ruled by convenience, chance, and haphazard tactics. I know that somewhere, deep down, the answers to the decisions I need to make are very clear. Until I have the balls to set down a guiding belief system for myself, I can make no progress.
Belief systems are problematic. They are limiting. I don't want limits. It seems like an impossible decision between creating a limiting belief system and continuing with nihilism. This is a false dilemma. Surely there is a belief system that does not limit, that actually makes everything possible, maybe the belief system called reality.
So anyhow, I'm trying to attain actualization in my life time. So I'm starting a new project called The Radical Change Project, where I make this little documentary and do little things day by day to try to understand what it is I've got to do to change and get on the right path, just learning small things and trying to define the world around me. Trying to figure out what is really important and pursuing that instead of other shit. Really actually becoming what I know deep inside I am. I might lose people and sides of my life, and gain others, but regardless of the outcome it seems unacceptable, at this point, for me to not forge down this new path.
current mood:  curious
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
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11:32 pm - 8 out of 10 Owners who Expressed a Preference said Their Cats Preferred Hallie Taylor.
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
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11:34 pm - Atoms.
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Did he die for a reason? Do I myself mean anything? How long will it be until I, too, am only a story? A name on a list? Decomposed and redistributed atoms?
My atoms have existed for billions of years, isn't that exciting? But they all grouped together, reformed, and became me!
I wonder if some of my atoms were once Genghis Khan's. Or Theodore Roosevelte's or Black Hawk's. I bet I have some of Dr. Seuss's. He lived in La Jolla, its almost likely.
I have atoms that were once other people's, and I've been using them. Its like they're still alive, except in me.
current mood: cosmic
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2008
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7:48 pm - Best In The West
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“Man should not have complete freedom,” he said, but, being stubborn, I’d like to challenge this. Give him complete freedom. However, let him realize that sometimes freedom means the freedom to restrict.
current mood:  amused
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| Monday, September 8th, 2008
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2:49 am - Boo-boo.
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I don’t want to be compared to others. Please don’t say I write like Ernest Hemingway or that my rhetoric pales next to Fitzgerald’s. Others are not me, and I am not others. Don’t tell me I’m not as humorous as Vonnegut, or that my vocabulary doesn’t match Conrad’s. They don’t want to be compared, either. Inherent likeness is rampant, but inherent difference is a critiquing point. Talk positively of my assets, and talk positively of theirs. Don’t say either is inadequate for being something they are in fact not, because you will be correct on one count—each is different—and wrong on the other: that it is a negative thing.
current mood: anxious
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 6th, 2008
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5:08 am - Hallo.
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Dear World,
I am back from the Forest Of No Return.
I have been thinking about things lately, but I have always been thinking about things. I am trying to see things in a new way, but I have always been trying to see things in a new way. I have dedicated myself to something sincerely, but I have dedicated myself to something sincerely before.
There is no promise that anything will ever be different, for you or I, than it is now; there is no guarantee that your unending cycle of production and depletion will ever tip the scales on the positive side, or that your neverending loop of good and bad will finally decide to waver slightly to the better, let alone fully. However, the hope is always there.
So I think Westley and I shall enter the fire swamp, regardless of any certainties. Won't we, Westley (aka you)? Maybe sword fight, too? Please say you will sword fight with me. We can put little nubbins on the tips, so no harm is done.
Love, Hallie.
current mood: awake
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 1st, 2008
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10:52 pm - This song is SO catchy.
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